It's not easy watching your friends slowly grow apart from you.  My mom said that once I stopped partying, I wouldn't have any interest in hanging out with them, because we'd have nothing in common.  Still, it's not like it isn't still difficult.

Although she's right.  All it seems anyone does is get fucked up and waste away the afternoon... Where's the progress in that?

I wish more than anything I was in [at least] middle school again.  Everything was so damned simple back then.

Right now, it's too much.
Perhaps I have more on my plate than I can eat in a lifetime.  It sure feels that way.

I am overwhelmed.

My mother is kicking me out.
She told me I was no longer allowed to live "here," right after blatantly telling me I was an alcoholic.
19 years old, and an alcoholic.

If my own mother won't take me, then who will?  Surely, nobody.
She's right, though.  After waking up in the hospital, with 8 hours of your life completely gone, it's kind of obvious I have a drinking problem.  Especially after I said I was going to stop drinking.

Talk about embarrassing.
Shameful.

With all that said, my thoughts are slowly getting more and more poisonous.  And those poisonous thoughts are getting more and more frequent.  Clearly alcohol is only covering up another, more serious problem.
The answer seems so simple, though.
Take your meds, stop drinking, get your shit in order.
Something so simple shouldn't be so fucking difficult.

I have a month to find a place to live.  Don't expect me to live in Blacksburg after that month.

I just had the most excrushiatingly intense dream ever.

It started out with... Dozens of cats and kittens.  There were at least four or five litters of kittens, all from the same cat, all different sizes and ages and colors...  There was a room in the basement we (my mother and I, mainly me) were trying to keep them in, so they wouldn't run around and get hurt or get in the way.  But every time I opened the door, a few managed to escape and I could only catch a couple of them, and the ones I couldn't catch mysteriously disappeared.  They also got out through a window I had forgotten about,  and eventually I was only left with about 8 of the original like, four dozen.

I can't really remember the middle.

The end involved nuclear war and the end of existence on Earth.  There was something... I'm not sure what, or how dangerous it was, but it was a big deal.  We (humanity) had to destroy it, and the US, being the wonderful thing that it is, decides to launch our biggest and most powerful weapon at it, at ourselves, to destroy it, only making it stronger and eventually destroying ourselves.  I watched as first the women, then the men, collapse to the ground, followed by myself, trying to outlast the inevitable.  This black... nothingness... crept towards me and everyone crowded around on the sidewalks and streets.  It was like a black hole.  Everything and nothing in something so indescribably horrible.

Raevynne was there.  She was still standing when the black took her.  I told her I loved her; they were the last words I said on the planet, in my life as a human during the end of human existence.  I meant it.  She looked at me, her face was disformed and struggling with everything she had.  It broke my heart to watch her just... be blinked out of the universe.  She was already halfway gone, and she looked back and told me she loved me too.

And then she was gone.  Everything was gone.

They were the best and most amazing words I've ever/never heard.

I woke up in my bed.  Distraught, I got out of bed and went out into the hallway outside my bedroom.
There was a 4 foot round hole of nothingness.

I looked up, there was one exactly like it right above it.

They were in a perfect pattern.  About 6 feet apart, about 4 feet wide.  Perfectly circular, except for the crumbling matter beneath it.
My mother was standing there, urging me, filling me in on something.  I went closer to her and then saw some man on the stairs with a crate.  They were trying to get our cats in the cage so we could leave with them.  I doubted there'd be anywhere to go, but I helped anyway.  I grabbed Tobey, my orange cat, and pushed him easily into the crate.  Then Lexus, who I was sure would scratch me and tear me all to bits, but strangely let me pick her up and put her into the crate as well.  I went to grab my cat, Caesura.

I woke up.

Well, I've stopped drinking.
I've been unable to control my drinking binges, so if I can't drink responsibly, I shouldn't drink at all.  I'm not mature enough to learn how to drink in moderation yet, so for now I've got to stop.  It's only led me to bad places, and down the path that I don't want to go.  It's a step in the right direction, that I'm sure of.  Some people don't believe I can just stop drinking, because I've said a million times before that I need to stop being so careless.  Before was different.  I never said I was GOING to stop, but this time that's what I'm saying.  Needing to stop and actually stopping are two different things.

Anyway, I'm slowly going to try turning myself into the person I want to become.  The person I know I can be, and the person I should be.  I'm not entirely sure how to do it, or how long it's going to take (quite awhile, I'm sure of that) but I'm willing to give it a try.

I've always been so afraid of trying and still failing.  But right now, at this very moment, I know that if I don't try, I will fail.  And I'll fail a lot harder than if I do try and fail.  I've learned a good lesson; I've always been so afraid of TRYING.  What if I do my best, and my best isn't good enough?  Well, this time, this is for me, and only me, and not anyone else.  I don't have a choice anymore.  I either try now with the possibility of succeeding, or I fail and I'll never get to try again.  That's the path I was on.  A dangerous, dark, ominous pathway filled with regret, depression, and anger.

It's a big step for me.  In the past few days I've grown up more than I have in the past two years combined. And it's scary.  But if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything.  I've made it over the hump, and that's what counts.  I know that it's still going to be pretty rough.  I know there will still be mountains to climb, and humps to get over, but I'm over the biggest one, and I'm proud of myself for that.

Realizing where I am and where I'm going and where I want to go I'm sure will help me in other areas of my life.  Like school.  I've always been so afraid of trying to get good grades and failing, I've never really applied myself.  I've never really had a reason to apply myself.
Now, I have a reason.
I mean, sure, I always had myself to begin with, but it's the realization that it's what I want and not what anyone else wants that matters.
There's a thick fog ahead of me.  I have no idea where I'm going.  But I have faith that, no matter what, there will always be another stepping stone further ahead of me.  I have faith that, when I leap, there will be something there to catch me.

A leap of faith, on my part.  Faith in what, I have no idea.  But faith, nonetheless.